You and your partner both became parents, and yet you find that only your life has been uprooted. While your husband’s day-to-day seems relatively unchanged, suddenly your brain is full of feeding and sleep schedules. Juggling a new baby on top of everything you already handled feels like it’s breaking you. Click here to read about my perinatal mental health practice
I feel like I’m going to lose it: What can I do?
You may know – and have seen all over the internet – that the key to reducing the mother-load overwhelm is to call in your support network. “Lean on your village.” But who is that exactly? Where do you get said village? And who says your body feels safe doing that?
If calling in support activates you and makes you think you’re failing at being a parent, then you will fit right into my practice. Here’s what treating the anger you feel in early parenthood actually looks like.
Somatic therapy for maternal rage
Between feeding schedules, not sleeping through the night, and bottomless laundry, you feel like you’re drowning. And we haven’t even touched on the fact you need to plan dinner, pick up groceries, and make the damn meal.
Your partner walks into the room and asks, “What’s for dinner?” Normally an innocuous question, but tonight it feels violent.
Somatic practices to calm the body when you feel hot with anger
The first place we start is with standard distress tolerance skills.
- Pair breathing with progressive muscle relaxation: Breathe deep into your belly, allowing it to expand. Start with 3 belly breaths. On your next inhale, tighten the muscles in your face and let them relax as you exhale. Move down each muscle group from your face to your toes.
- Dance and sing: Seen those videos of moms blasting music and dancing in their kitchens? There’s something to this! Go ahead and sing at the top of your lungs: Engaging your voice is an incredible emotional regultaion tool.
- Let the anger move: If dancing and singing won’t work (baby sleeping? Back at work in an environment that just won’t let you belt it out?), there are other ways to help the rage move through your system. Stomping your feet or pushing against a wall are great somatic exercises to release the tension of anger in your body.
How I use EMDR to treat maternal rage
You’re drowning, yet you struggle to ask for more help. You talk yourself out of calling in the troops (your partner, mom, mother-in-law, best friend, grocery delivery) because you doubt they’ll show up anyway. Or worse, you know they’ll come, but it will add to your sense of failing. You see your friends and acquaintances on Instagram smiling through motherhood, truly “enjoying every moment,” while you trudge through.
Each of these moments builds up in your system. So when you’re asked “What’s for dinner?” after a day of just barely making it, you break. You lash out at your partner.
If you’re familiar with my work, you know that I’m an EMDRIA-Approved EMDR therapist and Approved EMDR consultant. I live and breathe EMDR because it works so well. My goal is to help you get to a place where you can identify and call in at least one support person without feeling like you’re not doing this right.
Click here to read about my perinatal mental health practice
EMDR for moms who struggle to ask for help
I love EMDR because it offers a deep dive. What are your beliefs and expectations of motherhood and where did you learn them? What happens in your body when you believe that you’re failing? How does this connect with earlier experiences?
So many moms feel deep shame when they can’t handle it all on their own. After all, you’re the one who to “have it all.” EMDR is effective for shame because it helps you process through experiences that made you believe you aren’t good enough. When that belief stops you from accessing help, it keeps the load on your plate and contributes to the cycle fueling your rage. When we can break through it? It opens doors.
Community building for maternal rage
Therapy doesn’t end here. My goal is never for moms to become dependent on my support.
The thing about maternal rage is that it isn’t an anger management problem. Many people find my services by searching “anger management services for women,” but that’s really not what I treat. Maternal anger and rage is driven by overwhelm. While there are therapeutic strategies that support you (see above), we need real community care that better supports moms.
Once we have worked through restoring you to a calm enough place, we’ll identify possible opportunities for a real support network and effective communication strategies so that you can get the support you need. These skills come from my training in cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and interpersonal therapy, as well as specific training in treating maternal rage.
If you truly don’t have a support person you can lean on, I’ll help connect you with local support groups and virtual support through Postpartum Support International. And we’ll keep talking about other ways to foster meaningful connection with others.
