It’s the end of December and you’re ready to set your New Year’s resolution. Every year, the same mantra resonates: Set goals. Push Harder. Be better than last year. In the past, you’ve followed the advice and set lofty goals, but lost sight of your commitment by March. You want this year to be different, but you’re not sure what needs to change.
As a trauma therapist in New York City and Colorado, the pressure my clients are under shows up in internal thoughts like:
- I’m not enough.
- I should be further along.
- Rest feels unsafe.
- If I’m not perfect, I might as well give up.
These thoughts make it difficult to set and follow through on New Year’s resolutions. From a nervous system perspective, rigid New Year’s resolutions can activate survival responses such as fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown. This isn’t failure—it’s protection.
A Trauma Informed Shift: From New Year’s Resolution to A Supported Nervous System In The New Year
The pressures in NYC can feel insurmountable and forces a deficit mindset. When resolutions are rooted in the belief that you’re not enough (yet), your body responds the way it always has. Your mind and body have learned how to protect you from threat, even when the threat is internal.
Pay Attention To Your Nervous System
When you think about setting a New Year’s resolution, do you clam up? Does your throat get tight?
If your nervous system is responding with tightness or tension in your body, it is a sign that something isn’t sitting right. While well-meaning, setting resolutions can often feel like we’re setting ourselves up to fail. Repeated attempts and failures to achieve results in shame and self-criticism, which ring louder and more frequently for those with trauma histories.
What if you could develop a better relationship with your nervous system? What would be different in the year to come?
Instead of asking how you could be better or do more this year, I invite you to consider what your nervous system needs to feel more supported.
This shift moves you from trying to exert more control over yourself and your environments to connecting with yourself with curiosity. Most often your nervous system isn’t seeking more constriction, but expanse. I see this in therapy when my clients notice how comforting it feels to be truly listened to. Their bodies move from being held tightly inward to relaxing and taking up more space.
Gentle Alternatives to Traditional New Year’s Resolutions
1. Set Intentions, Not Demands
Intentions are flexible and compassionate. They leave room for the realities of energy, capacity, and healing.
Examples:
- “I want to notice when I’m pushing past my limits.”
- “I want to practice responding to myself with kindness.”
- “I want to build more moments of rest into my week.”
To be most successful, it is helpful to operationalize your intention in ways that allow for spaciousness.
What does it mean to respond to yourself with kindness?
- I will keep a list of 3 things I like about myself in my phone to reflect on when I’m feeling low or have mean thoughts about myself
- I will say a daily affirmation in the morning or evening
What does it look like to build in moments of rest?
- I will allow myself to nap on the weekends
- I will let myself close my computer for 5 minutes when my eyes feel sore
Notice that none of these are all-or-nothing resolutions. The operationalized intentions leave space for you to notice when you need something different without demanding perfection.
2. Focus on Capacity, Not Productivity
Recovery and “feeling good” isn’t linear. Growth may look like:
- Saying no more often
- Resting without guilt
- Asking for support
- Staying present with discomfort instead of avoiding it
These shifts may not look impressive on paper, but they are deeply meaningful. In true therapist speak, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Allowing yourself to rest enables you to show up for the things and people you care about.
3. Track Safety Instead of Success
Rather than measuring success by outcomes, consider building a weekly reflection into your routine:
- When did I feel most regulated this week?
- What helped my body feel calmer or more connected?
- When did I honor my limits?
- What am I grateful for this week?
Safety is the foundation for sustainable change. When you take the time to reflect on your goals of regulating your nervous system, you bring awareness to safety. One of the foundational concepts in positive psychology is that when we focus on positive thoughts and feelings, we experience a core shift. If you take the time to focus on times you felt regulated, connected, honored your limits by saying no, and the things in your life you feel grateful for, the more you will notice and appreciate these aspects of yourself.
Healing Is Not a Deadline
You don’t need to become a “new version” of yourself by next December 31st.
You are allowed to:
move slowly
change your mind
rest
This year has been difficult on a macro level. From a trauma-informed perspective, rather than force transformation on a deadline, create the conditions that allow you to feel well.
If this year brings anything new, I hope it’s a deeper relationship with yourself—one rooted in compassion, curiosity, and care.